Investing in Valued Relationships

As predominantly social beings who crave meaningful connections, our innate need to form, grow, and sustain relationships is universal and evident from early infancy. Indeed, high-quality interpersonal relationships provide a source of joy and meaning across the life span, and they have been identified as one of the most reliable indicators of happiness, health, longevity, and life satisfaction for all ages (Diener & Seligman, 2002; Pillemer & Rothbard, 2018). According to Stiglitz, Sen, and Fitoussi (2010), relationships are as important as material living standards, health, and education in determining the quality of life globally.

Moments of authentic connection and shared enjoyment with valued others are rated as some of the most important experiences in life, and the neglect of valued relationships is among the five things that dying people regret the most. According to Ware (2012), patients’ end-of-life reflections reveal deep regrets about investing too little in valued relationships. Specifically, by not investing the time and effort that they deserved, valued relationships were not as intense or rewarding as they might have been.

The number of individuals who do not have a valued person in their lives to share important matters has drastically increased in recent years. While a sense of relatedness to others is an integral part of flourishing, the number of relationships is not necessarily important; rather, it is the quality of those relationships. In this respect, quality refers to two elements: meaningful relations beyond basic forms of social interaction, and the instrumental value of a relationship (Zavaleta et al., 2014). In other words, one must invest less in superficial and peripheral relationships and more in high-quality, valued relationships.

Goal

The goal of this exercise is to help you increase your awareness of the relationships you value most and the extent to which you invest in these relationships. In this way, you can begin to recognise any discrepancies between the importance of certain people in your life and the time you devote to them.

Step 1: Understanding valued relationships

The goal of this exercise is to help you increase your awareness of the relationships you value most and the extent to which you invest in these relationships. In this way, you can begin to recognise any discrepancies between the importance of certain people in your life and the time you devote to them.

Step 2: Identifying your most valued relationships

Take some time to think about the people you value most in your social network. Imagine yourself in later years. If you were to look back on your life, who are the most valued and significant people in your network right now? These might include someone with whom you have a close, deep, and involved relationship; someone you turn to if you are feeling anxious or upset; the people you are most grateful to have in your life; or someone you call when you have good news that you want to share.

Please select up to four relationships that you value most and list them, along with the reasons why.

Step 3: How much do you currently invest in these relationships?

For each relationship, indicate how much time you spent with him or her last month. If the past month is not a true representation, you may also consider how much time you generally spend with these people.

Use the 10-point scale below to indicate your investment in each relationship, where 1 means you did not spend any time with them, and 10 means you spent a lot of time with them.

Look at each rating in turn and ask yourself, do I currently invest enough time and effort in these valued relationships? If you would like to devote more of yourself to these relationships, move on to step 4.

Step 4: Invest in your most valued relationships

To invest in your most valued relationships, you must give more of yourself. This means devoting more of your time, attention, energy, love, and focus to nurturing the relationships you value most. You know and understand these important relationships more intimately than anyone else and will, therefore, have a unique insight regarding the most beneficial ways to invest more in them. While there are many ways to invest in your most valued relationships, the following steps may provide a solid starting point for future action.

1. Initiate connection: You do not need to wait for the people you value most to initiate contact or increase interactions: do not put off until tomorrow what can be done today. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and make intentional efforts to connect, both physically and emotionally.

2. Invest more of your time: Making time is one of the most effective ways to invest in relationships. Begin each day with the intention to invest more in your meaningful relationships and set more time aside to connect with friends and family. Think about the things you both value – no matter how big or small – and commit to doing more of these activities together. While connecting face-to-face is preferred, if this is not possible, try one of the many apps developed for video calling.

3. Show appreciation: Familiarity and complacency can sometimes mean we forget to express gratitude to those we value most. However, it is important to remember that showing appreciation is an excellent way to invest in relationships and nurture connections.

4. Be present: It may be tempting to check your texts or emails when spending time with family and friends; however, you should grant them your full attention. Try to be completely present at the moment, avoid superfluous distractions, and turn off your phone.

5. Listen: Invest in valued relationships by asking open-ended questions, listening to others without interruption, and making efforts to understand their point of view. Active listening not only demonstrates respect and encourages reciprocation, but it also creates a sense of value and meaning. Repeat what you hear and try to listen to what your valued others are saying in a non-judgmental way. While you should maintain a focus on their needs, remember that relationships are a two-way street and allow yourself to be listened to and supported.

Step 5: Reflection questions

• How did you feel while completing this exercise?
• What did this exercise teach you about your most valued relationships?
• What did this exercise teach you about what you value the most in relationships?
• How do you feel after investing more in your valued relationships? In what ways have your valued relationships improved?
• What was your favourite experience throughout this exercise? What made it so positive? Who else was involved? What did you do together? Describe the event in as much detail as possible.
• What small actions can you take today to invest in each of your valued relationships?
• What is the smallest investment that could have the biggest effect on your valued relationships?
• What effect do you think your increased investment will have on the quality of your relationships?