Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

― Bernard Baruch

I hope that taking the VIA survey helped you begin to discover more about your strengths. It is one of the best tools we have for discovering more of what is best in ourselves. I would also encourage you to let more of your friends and family members know about it and ask them to take it so that you can share your results together. As with one of the tasks at the end of the last chapter, you can also copy the Strength Spotting sheet and use it to spot and point out the strengths that you see in each other and at work.

This brings us to our lesson for this chapter, which is about authenticity and the importance of being true to ourselves. It includes being true to our strengths and our weaknesses, our talents, gifts, and interests, and all that makes up who we are – even when those around us may not be able to recognise, acknowledge, or accept it.

There are few words that express what positive psychology has to offer regarding authenticity better than the simple words of Cyndi Lauper in the song True Colours:

“You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh, I realise
It’s hard to take courage
In a world full of people You can lose sight of it all And the darkness inside you Can make you feel so small.

But I see your true colours
Shining through
I see your true colours
And that’s why I love you
So, don’t be afraid to let them show Your true colours

True colours are beautiful Like a rainbow.”

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You know that psychologists and people in the academic world can get lost in using big words to get published and tenure – and to get other people to accept and admire them. But look at that first verse.

There are a lot of those sad eyes in psychologists who only pay attention to abnormal or clinical psychology. In addition, there are many others who get overwhelmed with our bias towards the negative, what is worst in the world, in other people, or in themselves. The first verse says, “You can lose sight of it all, and the darkness inside you can make you feel so small.”

That survey you took; those words used to describe those strengths; we work hard to develop vaccinations from out of control viruses, but we miss the psychological vaccine that might keep us from being overwhelmed by that inner darkness. The words for those strengths, those good things about us, and the ability to see and name them; they may be just the vaccine that the doctor ordered!

Cyndi Lauper is singing about what psychologists like Carl Rogers, Abraham Maslow, and Carol Ryff had already been focusing on and what has come to the center for positive psychologists like Martin Seligman, Chris Peterson, and Barbara Fredrickson.

Take a look at the second verse. Positive psychology has given us the words and the vision to see the full truth about ourselves – not just our weaknesses and disorders – but now also the remarkable attitudes, behaviours, and strengths that enable us to be at our best.

“I see your true colours and that’s why I love you.”

That’s why I love you? If we can’t see ourselves in the light of love – then of course we may get lost in anxiety, depression, and stress. Carl Rogers thought that if you grow up surrounded by those who love and accept you for who you are – that you will probably become someone who can do the same for others and will want to give back to the world. Research has found that troubled children and adolescents who have just one person they trust and who believes in them can make all the difference in enabling them to be resilient and learn and grow from the stress that they experience.

Not only that, but isn’t it a natural human response to love someone when they put themselves out there and really makes themselves vulnerable to us? In the special video for this chapter, you will see the social work researcher Brené Brown talk about this. She has done studies showing that taking the risk of being vulnerable with others may be a critical part of building and sustaining the kind of relationships that we all need in order to be happy and feel like we belong.

When we see someone reaching out in a vulnerable way to us, we often feel that they are taking a risk to give us a gift and we might feel like saying the words in the song: “that’s why I love you.” We might add the words, “I can see you, I can see myself in you, and I can see us reaching our destination – in the joy and sense of fulfillment of being true to who we are.” But the message of Brené Brown, the healing power of taking a risk in reaching out to others, and much of positive psychology may be even better than the second verse.

This second verse says, “don’t be afraid to let them show.” People like Brené and those in positive psychology would say, “Okay, so it is natural to be afraid, you are not alone, and the fear that you are feeling doesn’t have to stop you.” They might also add, “I see you and I got you!” “I see your true colours shining through!”

Next, in the song there are words that you will probably never find in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders or in the report of a clinical psychologist, “You are beautiful – like a rainbow!” The “rain of that darkness that makes us feel so small,” is transformed by those colours shining through in being true to ourselves – and then suddenly we don’t feel small!

But I’m not just saying this because Cyndi, Carl, and Brené said it. I’ve definitely seen this hypothesis tested and supported after many years of trying to be true to the good, the bad, and the ugly in myself. However, the best evidence I’ve seen is in what happens with the mentees and coachees that I’ve taught more than a dozen times.

The assignment is to simply have each one give examples of when they have used their top strengths, in front of a class. The rest of the class each have those Strength Spotting sheets and check what they see and then write whatever they can about whatever goodness and beauty they see in the speaker. What happens? Well, it never fails and makes me want to sing that song! With amazing consistency and infinite variety, the mentees/coachees talk about how they used what is best in themselves to do often incredibly difficult and inspiring things like overcoming abuse, low self-esteem, rejection etc. Moreover, they end up shining brighter than the rainbow in that song.

And what has happened without fail is that by the end of the year, there is a community – maybe the kind that most people never get to experience – where people see and bring out the best in each other in spite of the worst that has happened to them. Together they move from surviving to thriving as they witness how to make it happen in lives and stories of their fellow people just like them.

So, in coming to the close of this lesson, the good news about authenticity is twofold.

First, that being true to ourselves is critically important for our survival and for thriving and flourishing – and that sometimes we need to take a risk in putting ourselves out there.

Second, that our ability to be authentic goes hand-in-hand with just the kind of community that we hope this challenge will make more possible for you to find, discover, and create. In order to be true and love and accept ourselves for who we are, we need to seek out and create the kind of community that welcomes it. There will be much more about this in part three of this challenge, where you will learn about what we can do to improve our relationships and community – which we know are a primary source of our happiness and well-being!

But for now, those colours, those strengths – don’t be afraid to let them show! On this journey you are not alone. Even if you are afraid and feel vulnerable, watch the Brené Brown video and begin taking little risks with those you trust and then see what happens.

Workbook Tasks for the Chapter

The tasks for this chapter involve finding new ways to use your top strengths, the value of being vulnerable with other people, and understanding value of authenticity in your life.

First, there is a task that involves going online to find a list of different ways you can use the VIA strengths, reading the sections about the top five strengths that were identified for you on the VIA survey, and then thinking about and writing down new ways that you can use each of these strengths.

Second, the next activity builds on the last. It involves using two of your top five strengths in a new way in the next week or two. This is the primary kind of task that you will build on during this part of the challenge. Research has shown that it has consistently been an effective way for us to increase our happiness and well-being.

Third, you need to watch the video that is a TED talk called “The Power of Vulnerability” by Brené Brown. This has been one of the most watched TED talks of all time and one that many former coachees have found to be very powerful in bringing about positive changes in their lives. After you watch it, there are questions that ask you to think about when you may have been made yourself vulnerability in the way she talks about.

Fourth, there are reflection questions asking you to write about a time when you were true to yourself in the past and also when you might want to be more true to yourself in the future. Writing about when you have been true to yourself is a way of building courage and confidence for doing it more in the future. Writing about when you might want to be true to yourself in the future can be a way of exposing yourself to what you are afraid, like we talked about in Chapter 3, so that your anxiety and fear will become reduced while your courage for being vulnerable grows.