Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

― Philo 

So far in this third part of the challenge, we have focused on social intelligence because of the central place that relationships have in our lives and on love because it is so often a part of what makes our lives worth living. 

In this chapter, will begin focusing less on our immediate relationships and what we receive from others, and more on how we can have a positive impact on all those we know and love and also on strangers in the larger world beyond. Research has consistently shown that kindness can play a primary role in increasing our happiness and well-being. Kindness is one of those things that many people say they value greatly and that we can’t exercise enough. However, it is also something that some people think may not always be a good thing and could even hurt us or be a sign of weakness. 

Actually, kindness is at the very heart of this challenge and for many people may be the thing that has the most potential for changing our lives for the better. There is a popular foreign movie where the main character decides to do the same experiment that we hope you will try for this part of the challenge. The script for the movie was written by a director who had enough previous success that he had earned the opportunity to do something that was meaningful and close to his heart. He wrote a script that included as many of the extraordinary acts of kindness that he had seen across the years as possible – all centred around the main character. The movie was nominated for five Academy Awards and won an award for the best European screenplay. 

The name of the movie is Amelie and it was about a girl in Paris named Amelie. Amelie grew up as the lonely and neglected only child of parents who were completely self-absorbed and could not relate to her. Her world changed one day when as a lonely young adult she found a box of childhood treasures in her bedroom wall. She decided to try to find the person that the treasure box had belonged to and made a deal with herself about it. If she was able to find the person and it had a positive impact on them, then she resolved to change her life. She would continue to be kind in as many ways as she could.

Without spoiling too much of the movie if you haven’t seen it, her initial experiment was a success and the rest of the movie is about how her acts of kindness ripple out to change the lives of people around her. Moreover, her kindness also brings her what she most wanted and most feared – an intimate relationship with a man she in trying to be kind and who she came to love. If you remember in the second part of this challenge, I said I hoped you would begin to feel the wind at your back the way that Steve Wonder did when he came to really appreciate his gift for hearing. In this chapter, I want to add my hope that you might do the same type of experiment Amelie did and be surprised by the same kind of joy. 

One of the most promising and encouraging findings in positive psychology is the confirmation and support of what Amelie discovered and what we all can too. Acts of kindness have tremendous potential for increasing happiness and well-being – both for those we are kind to and for ourselves. Some of you may have already experienced this, while others may be a bit more sceptical. 

Before I go any farther, I want to say something about why kindness may be such a potent catalyst for happiness and positive change – and I also want to say something about how it may have sometimes gotten a bad name. There seem to be two overarching ways that kindness may benefit us. 

First, being kind to people we know or can have a relationship with generally results in an upward spiral of reciprocal giving, where we increasingly get something back from others. It is karma with a big K.

Second, kindness able enables us to feel good about ourselves. We come to see ourselves as someone who can have a positive impact on others and make a difference to those around us. Good karma is great but this is probably the main reason that Amelie changed – and this is where kindness can be a real source of transformation even when we don’t expect or get anything in return. On the wall of Mother Teresa’s room in Calcutta, there was reported to be a sentence about kindness that said – “if you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives… be kind anyway.” 

This form of kindness to strangers or to those who can’t or don’t give back can be extremely powerful. No matter what anyone has done to us, we can still choose to be kind. This is what Nelson Mandela did when he was in prison for so long and it won the hearts of the prison guards who came to admire and respect him so much. This is the kind of power that Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. discovered and embraced that made reconciliation, healing, and social change happen where it before seemed impossible. 

But if kindness can come back to us through those we know and can also empower us in unforeseen ways, then why does it sometimes get a bad name? Why aren’t people kind more often? The main reason may be that we often mistake kindness for an imposter. This imposter can be seen in the distinction made between what might be called “naïve kindness” and “wise kindness.” Naïve kindness is when we do something that may look or seem nice not because it is best for another person, but because we want to be liked or are afraid to do what might really be most kind and best for the other person. 

In contrast, wise kindness is like the Jedi sabre that Jesus flashed when he told those who were about to stone the woman who had been caught committing adultery – “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Although it may not have felt like kindness at the time to those in the crowd who dropped the stones one at a time and left; it may have been quite kind and may have called on the “better angels of their nature” – and it certainly would feel profoundly kind to that woman who was set free and got a second chance to live. 

Which brings us back to the story of Amelie and the last big plot twist in this chapter about kindness. Before Amelie could really be transformed and sustain her desire to be the beacon of kindness that she fantasized about becoming, she needed to allow someone else to love her – and thereby become happy in filling her own cup. This brings us back to why it might be important for us to make a list of those we are grateful for and make sure there are those on our list who see us and love us for who we are. 

For now, more than anything else that we ask you to do in this challenge, we want to encourage you to carry out the same kind of bold experiment that Amelie did in the movie. Give yourself the chance to find the ways you can become like that Jedi knight, that black belt master, that virtuoso – but not at playing the violin. Instead, become a master at doing things you enjoy in using your own strengths to bring your own unique expression of kindness to those around you. Then, like Amelie, just wait and see what happens. 

Workbook Tasks for the Chapter 

Here are the tasks that will help you understand and appreciate the power of kindness and find more ways to practice and experience its benefits: 

First, there is a special video on The Power of Kindness by Johann Berlin where he talks about why kindness may be so important and gives us good ideas for practicing it. 

Second, there is an activity that involves going through a list of many different kind acts and identifying new ones that you would most like to try. Reviewing comprehensive lists like this can be a good way to become more creative in finding new ways to be kind and in expressing our top strengths and what we really enjoy doing in being kind. 

Third, the next activity builds on the review of the list of kind acts by asking you to make a top ten list of kind acts you would most like to try for someone you already know and another top ten list of kind acts you would most like to try for a stranger. 

Fourth, the last activity involves trying one of the new kind acts that you identified for someone you know and answering questions about what happened. This is a way of beginning to do the same kind of experiment that Amelie did in the movie and that we focused on in this chapter.