The things that matter most in our lives are not fantastic or grand. They are moments when we touch one another.

– Jack Kornfield

In this chapter, I will talk about the different kinds of love we experience and that bring joy and meaning to our relationships. Just as we learned in the last chapter that social intelligence may be the primary focus of our intelligence, so the experience of love may be the heart of our relationships and provide a foundation for much of our happiness.

The psychologist John Lee did a comprehensive study of the use of the word “love” in history and literature and identified six different kinds of love, or what he calls “love styles.” 

These include:

1. Eros – the passionate sexual love where a lover idealizes a partner.
2. Ludus – love that is short on commitment and played as a game.
3. Storge – the kind of mutual affection shared between friends.
4. Pragma – a pragmatic, practical, and mutually beneficial relationship.
5. Mania – a dramatic, stormy relationship with cycles of jealousy and breakups.
6. Agape – a self-giving love where one is fully concerned with the welfare of the other.

People may debate whether the game-playing Ludus or the stormy Mania may really make us happy or are good for us, but the other four love styles do consistently appear to play an important role in our happiness and well-being. These four are highlighted in much current theory and research on love and relationships. While some people doubt whether a completely self-giving love such as Agape is common, many see it in the sacrificial love of a parent or grandparent for a child; or sometimes even in the devotion of a teacher to their students, coaches to their players, or someone in a helping profession to those they serve.

In contrast, you can see aspects of the other three elements of Eros, Storge, and Pragma in other research and theory about adult romantic relationships. The psychologist Robert Sternberg developed what he called the Triangular theory of love where the three important components of love include Passion, which is similar to Lee’s Eros; Intimacy, which is similar to Lee’s Storge; and Commitment, which includes aspects of Lee’s Pragma and Agape. Sternberg thinks that the quality of love we experience depends on the strength of these three components. In addition, although it may be difficult to find and sustain all three in the same relationship over time, they may still be a worthwhile goal.

Psychologists Ellen Berscheid and Elaine Hatfield have studied the usual course of Eros (in both Lee and Sternberg’s terms), which they call Passionate Love; and Storge (in Lee’s terms) or Intimacy (in Sternberg’s terms), which they call Companionate Love in romantic relationships. They compare Passionate Love to a fire that heats up and cools down quickly and Companionate Love to the intertwining of branches that continue to grow together.

Berscheid and Hatfield think people often make one of two mistakes in the early stages of a romantic relationships. 

The first mistake is to make a commitment too soon during an early peak of Passionate Love. 

The second is to break-up too soon after Passionate Love naturally begins to fall from its’ initially intense and high level. In both instances, the couple may not wait long enough to see if it will be possible for Companionate Love to take root and grow. Therefore, being aware of and placing more value on Companionate Love may be a key to preventing these mistakes and improving many romantic relationships.

Aside from adult romantic relationships, the other most valued and important context for love is lasting, close relationships with friends and family member. Although the focus here is not necessarily on a romantic relationship, it does involve what Lee calls Storge, Sternberg calls Intimacy, and Berscheid and Hatfield call Companionate Love. 

When I have asked others which is more important to them, there is always 30-40% who say Eros or Passionate Love but the consistent and clear majority of both women and men have put Companionate Love or friendship at the top of their list.

There is another focus for love that has often been neglected in modern cultures that have idealized self-sacrifice and self-giving forms of love. There has been a lot of recent research showing the value of a form of self-love that has been called “self-compassion” or “self-kindness.” This kind of self-love does not involve the self-inflation and lack of empathy associated with narcissism but rather accepts and embraces our weakness, limitations, and imperfections as part of our common humanity. This kind of self-love appears to be particularly beneficial for caregivers, people who are vulnerable to compassion fatigue, and those who suffer various forms of oppression and/or discrimination.

In putting all of this together, the growing body of theory and research on human love points to the value of at least four kinds of loving relationships for our happiness and well- being: 

1. Romantic relationships, 
2. Close friendships, 
3. Relationships where we are taught or mentored by or teach or mentor another (similar to Lee’s self-giving Agape), and 
4. A relationship with ourselves characterised by the kindness, and compassion that accepts and embraces ourselves for all of who we are, with both our strengths and our weaknesses.

In finishing this lesson on love, I want to leave you with some things that may enable you to improve your relationships, especially close relationships with partners, friends, and family members. After studying couples and seeing what predicts their staying together or separating, the psychologist John Gottman has literally written the book on what enables people to stay together and thrive in their relationships. 

Here are the seven principles that he has identified for making a relationship last.

1. Enhance your love map – become familiar with your partner, friend, or family member’s world including their worries, hopes, goals, and strengths.
2. Nurture fondness and admiration – by meditating on what you love, appreciate, and cherish in them (as was a goal of the “Relationship Appreciative Inquiry” that was a task in the Chapter 13).
3. Turn towards them – be there for them through big and small events and give them affection and support when they ask for it.
4. Accept influence – share power with them by deciding things together and take their feelings into account.
5. Solve solvable problems – learn to resolve problems and conflicts with tolerance and compromise to prevent negative feelings from escalating.
6. Overcome gridlock – when stuck in a conflict, be patient in exploring the issues that may have caused the gridlock by letting it sit for now and coming back to it later.
7. Create shared meaning – create rituals and symbols that you can continue to share using things like pictures, videos, or songs that express important parts of your relationship.

In addition to these, I would add the Active Constructive Responding that was the focus of the special video in Chapter 13. As the video explained, this involves responding to good news with empathy, enthusiasm, and asking for elaboration and finding ways to celebrate with them. Research has shown that Active Constructive Responding produces better and longer lasting relationships than other ways of responding to good news.

The last thing to do in this lesson is help you think about the different ways that people give and receive love in their close relationships. The author Gary Chapman identified what he calls five different Languages of Love. 

You will have the chance to take a survey for this chapter to help you see which of the following languages you prefer:

1. Words of affirmation – it involves encouraging, affirming, and appreciating another. 
2. Physical touch – the non-verbal use of body language and touch to show love.
3. Receiving gifts – thoughtful gifts and gestures to show gratitude for someone.
4. Quality time – uninterrupted and focused conversations and time together.
5. Acts of service – doing chores, errands, and other things to lighten someone’s load.

Before we finish our lesson on love, it is important to note that while the VIA classification has identified and defined love as a strength, there are things we may call “love” (e.g., such as Ludus and Mania in Lee’s terms) that may not always foster happiness and well-being. When trying to understand the role of love in our happiness and well-being, it is particularly important to be clear about what kind of “love” we are focusing on. But even with this caution about some of what we may call love, there is little doubt that the forms that involve mutual giving and support are often one of our greatest sources of joy, happiness, meaning, and fulfillment. I hope that this challenge will enable you to find new ways to express love in the forms that best bring each of these more into your life.

Workbook Tasks for the Chapter

Here are the tasks designed to help you understand, recognize, and improve your ability to give, receive, and benefit from love in your life:

First, there is a special video called Love Liberates by Maya Angelou and you are asked to think about how love may have liberated you and how you could love someone else in a way that might liberate them.

Second, there are reflection questions asking you to identify and write about one of the best loving or kind acts that someone has done for you. You are also asked to think about how it has affected you and how you can give back and honor what was done for you.

Third, I want you to write a letter expressing your gratitude to someone you have not fully or properly thanked. Ideally, it would be someone you could read or send it too and you would share it as soon as you can in the near future. Research has shown that this can be a powerful way to increase our happiness. While there are many ways that you can continue to express gratitude to the people you come across in your life, writing a letter like this and sharing it has been a great way for many people to get started.

Fourth, I want you to take the Languages of Love survey to identify the language(s) that you prefer and think about how knowing what you prefer may enable you to better give and receive love. This will help you better understanding the different ways that people often try to express love and how sometimes we completely miss expressions we don’t understand.