Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die. 

― Marianne Williamson 

Welcome to the final chapter of Part 3 of the positive psychology challenge! 

First, I want to thank you for staying with it during this part. As with other forms of psychology, you may not have expected such a strong emphasis on your relationships with others and the larger community and world. 

Second, I want to warn you that the focus of the lesson today may not be for the faint of heart and also may not be something you are struggling with right now. But it is something that represents one of the best hopes that we have for healing the wounds we sometimes inflict on each other and for halting the cycle of violence and suffering we can become trapped in. That something is forgiveness.

It was only recently that someone in psychology was finally bold enough to attempt to study it. The person most responsible for bringing the study of forgiveness to the forefront in psychology is Everett Worthington – after his mother was murdered in 1996. The emotional fallout of the murder was so devastating for him and his family that it resulted in his brother committing suicide. 

So, Everett didn’t study forgiveness out of a casual interest, but because he was  desperately trying to find a way to do it himself and didn’t know how. He ended up publishing several papers and writing a couple of books about it. Eventually, he and his sister were able to forgive and find the peace that they sought. Now, more than two decades later, there is a rich and growing body of research and theory on forgiveness and on what we can do to foster it in our lives.Probably the best place to start is to be clear about what we mean by forgiveness. Just what is it? It turns out that people have lots of different definitions and perspectives on forgiveness and that some of them may be more damaging and destructive than helpful. 

Robert Enright is another psychologist who has written a book about forgiveness and he helps us understand what forgiveness is by first telling us what it is not. 

• One, forgiveness is not excusing or pardoning what another person has done. 
• Two, it is not trying to justify or rationalise that it was okay for them to do it. 
• Three, forgiveness does not mean denying the harm of what someone has done. 
• Four, and this is a big one, forgiveness does not mean having to forget what another person did to hurt us. We may eventually forget it, but as George Santayana said, “those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” It may be important for us to remember so that we can protect ourselves and not allow others to hurt us in the same way. 
• Fifth, and this is also a big one for some of us, forgiveness does not necessarily mean getting back together or continuing to be in a relationship with someone who hurt us. We may choose to if they change their behaviour – but we can forgive someone even if it is better not to go back to them. 

If these are some things that forgiveness is not, then what it is? 

First, forgiveness is giving up or ceasing to harbour resentment for a wrong that another has committed against us. This doesn’t mean it is easy or happens overnight. Forgiveness is a process that takes time and it may be the greater the harm, the more time we will need to work through it. 

Second, forgiveness involves reducing the negative feelings, thoughts, and behaviours we have toward the person who hurt us. When we are close to the time someone has hurt us, this may not seem possible but is likely to change with patience and self-compassion. 

Third, if we have been in a relationship with the person who hurt us for a long time, we may again begin to have some good feelings about them, whether or not they change their behaviour and whether or not we decide to continue in a relationship with them.

Fourth, and this is probably the most important, forgiveness is a process that can take a lot of time and mental and physical energy. It can be exhausting to continue to experience the intensity of feelings and ups and downs that we may experience along the way. 

Fifth, forgiveness often eventually seems like a paradox. While we thought we would be diminished and never escape the anger, hurt, or preoccupation with what happened – one day we actually feel lighter, enriched, and free in a way we didn’t think possible! 

So, on the one hand, forgiveness is not excusing, pardoning, justifying, denying, or trying to forget what someone has done to us and we do not necessarily need to go back or continue a relationship with the person who hurt us. 

On the other hand, forgiveness is a process that can set us free in ways we may not have thought possible. We may become free from the anger, pain, and preoccupation with what was done to us. In its place, we may be pleasantly surprised with the kindness, love, and compassion we feel for ourselves and others – and even for the person who hurt us. 

Some of the most encouraging good news that positive psychology has brought to us is that forgiveness is possible. But before we finish this chapter, I want to say something about the kind of things that people like Everett Worthington and Robert Enright have suggested might help make it more possible for us to forgive. 

The first is to commit ourselves to the process even though it may take time and sometimes it may not seem like we are making much progress. 

The second is to freely express our thoughts and feelings about what happened in writing, with the goal of eventually being able to write about our intention to forgive. 

The third is to get the support of other people with at least one person we can really trust to confide in and who understands how forgiveness can be a long process. 

The fourth is to practice self-compassion in being patient and kind with ourselves and to forgive ourselves when we feel like giving up or don’t think we are making progress. Sometimes the first step in forgiveness is to forgive ourselves for feeling stuck for so long and not wanting to forgive. 

The fifth is to try to develop empathy and understanding for how someone could do what they did to hurt us – and for how we may sometimes do things that hurt others. 

The sixth thing that may help us with forgiveness is to be open to the possibility of the stress-related growth that we talked about, where we learn or benefit from what happened in some way that is good for us. Examples might include learning to have more love and compassion for ourselves or increased wisdom in knowing how not to get hurt again. 

There is one final thing that Everett Worthington, Robert Enright, and others who have studied forgiveness think is particularly valuable. Once we feel like we have gotten the freedom and peace we sought in forgiving, many find it useful to do something to mark, celebrate, or savour what they have accomplished. This could include things like writing a forgiveness letter, releasing balloons, or having a party with the friends who were with us along the way to celebrate our accomplishment with them. 

In conclusion, while forgiveness may be hard to practice, it offers great hope for healing many of the ways we hurt each other. It is reported that Gandhi said, “An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.” If so, then forgiveness may be what makes it possible for us to see again and find our way out the cycles of violence in which we sometimes get stuck. 

This third part of the challenge has been about what we can do to better create the kinds of relationships and communities that we need in order to be truly happy. When we inevitably get off track in doing things that either unintentionally or intentionally hurt each other, forgiveness may be a bridge that offers us the hope of getting back on the track of creating a society that enables all of us to thrive and make the most of our lives together. 

Now that we have nearly come to the end of this part of this challenge, I hope you will take time to savour what you have done and look forward to the positive vision of the future you can create during the fourth and final part of this challenge. 

Workbook Tasks for the Chapter 

Here are the tasks which are designed to help you better understand and foster forgiveness for others and for yourself: 

First, there is a special video to watch with an extraordinary example of the power of forgiveness where a mother is able to forgive the person who killed her son. When you watch this, try to forgive yourself if you feel like you could never do something like that. Then, just try to understand how she did it and what difference it made for her and the person that she forgave. 

Second, there is a task that involves writing about a time when someone did something that hurt you. This includes focusing on the thoughts and feelings you experienced and the potential benefits you might experience in forgiving this person. Writing this way can help you decide whether you want to try to practice forgiveness and break the ice in doing it. 

Third, there is also a task that involves writing about a time you failed or let yourself down which also includes focusing on the thoughts and feelings you experienced and what you can do to be kind and compassionate in forgiving yourself. Many think it is harder to forgive themselves than it is to forgive others and here is your chance to learn to do it. 

Fourth, there are reflection questions about what surprised you the most in this third part of the challenge about your relationship with others and what you would most like to remember. These were included to enable you to better understand how your own happiness and well-being may be rooted in your relationships and the larger community.